I think about this website every single day. Lately, whenever I start to write an article, I just seem to stop. Not surprisingly, this place reminds me of cancer. I created this space all by myself and now can’t seem to stand sitting here. My challenge is to recreate this space into something that better represents where I am right now, with cancer being in my rear view mirror.
When I was taught how to drive, I was taught to scan multiple places regularly. Scan the dash, scan the road in front of me, scan the rear view, and repeat. Yesterday I drove home from work late. It was 3:30 in the morning. I was tired but clear enough to drive. I just focused on looking straight ahead, scanning left, then right, at each intersection, regardless of whether I had a green or red light. Early in the morning is when drunk drivers t-bone innocent vehicles like mine when they blaze through red lights. As I drove, it occurred to me that I had not looked in my rear-view for a couple of minutes. I glanced up and thought “I hope there isn’t a police car trying to pull me over”. I wasn’t doing anything worthy of being pulled over. Then it occurred to me that the way I was driving was a metaphor of how I have been living my life lately. Head in the sand? I am not sure.
I am just trying to learn how to live life the way anyone should after beating cancer. I am trying to live with the balance I have when I am driving perfectly. Live with the balance of focusing on what is in front of me but without completely ignoring my rear-view mirror. If I all I focus on is the fear of cancer coming back, I may drive right into a post. If I totally ignore the rear-view, I may miss the earliest clue that cancer is trying to return. The earlier cancer is detected, the more beatable it is. There is reward for being vigilant without being hyper vigilant. Balance. Like so many things, it is all about balance. When there is balance, there is calm. Where there is calm, there is peace. When I am at peace, I am happiest.
So, in the weeks to come, I will endeavor to live in balance. I will also review this website, this cyber home for my thoughts, and change it to reflect the place that I am in my life right now. Hence the picture of my beautiful boy, Nate. He is where I am right now. Life is beautiful.